The Endless Tug Of War: A New Way Of Relating To Our Darkness

“So, I’m your depression. I’m that lost 'what the heck is the meaning of life' feeling we’ve been talking about."

A long, hesitant pause. “Okay.”

“Okay. So imagine there is a big hole between us - a big, endless void. And we’re on either side of it, in a tug of war.” I tug my end of the small rope I had handed to her earlier, when she signed on to try something a little different in therapy today. “It’s been going on as long as you can remember. This sadness pulls you in like a magnet. It’s pulling and pulling.” I keep gently tugging on the rope. “You’re exhausted, of course. Who wouldn’t be? So here you are, and you are tugging back, trying to gain the upper ground.” 

 I motion to her and she tugs back on the rope. “But the thing is, every time you tug, the sadness and angst and lost-ness tugs right back. So here we are. You tug. It tugs. You tug. It tugs.”
 
“Yeah. It’s awful. I want it to stop.”
“So, what are your options?”
“I need to tug harder, I guess.”
“But no matter how hard you have tugged in the past, have you ever really beat it?”
“A few times I thought I did… but then I always feel it again.”
“Right. What else could you do? Let’s brainstorm.”
She pauses. “I could charge at it full force. Knock it out cold.”
“What about the void? That’s what it’s trying to pull you into, and that's what makes it so hard to get a grasp on it, when it tugs.”
“Shoot. Right. Well. I don’t know then.”
“Let’s think. Tug of war. Endless tug of war forever.” I tug on the rope again. “Any other options?”
There is a long silence. I let her sit in it, looking down, turning the rope in her hands, deep in thought.

Then, suddenly, her eyes light up, and she looks me straight in the eye. “I could drop the rope.”

“Yes.” We drop the rope together. She sighs with relief. I ask her, “What feels different now?”
“Well, it’s still there. But it’s not a struggle anymore.”
 
The exercise comes from an approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, an evidence-based behavioral therapy that aims not so much to change your thoughts, but rather to shift how you relate to them. It does so by getting you out of your comfort zone, helping you interact with your thoughts in novel ways, and encouraging you to approach your life with curiosity, nonjudgmental awareness, and intention.
 
We are all prone to playing tug of war with our own thoughts and feelings. I want this to go away. If I only try this, do that. If I only go here, change this. I have to beat this.
 
Yet often, the more we struggle to eradicate an emotion like anger, sadness, or anxiety, the stronger and more potent the emotion comes. We fuel the fire with our own frustrated efforts to thwart our own suffering.
 
As you go through your day today, pay attention to the emotions that are sticking points for you. Maybe it’s a tendency to get angry when things don’t go right at work, or anxious when you are put on the spot, or sad about something that happened a long time ago that you just can’t shake the memory of. Whatever it is, notice how you respond to your own emotions. Where might you be making them stronger by fighting them?
 
Ask yourself: Where can I drop the rope today?